Signs of Perfectionism You Might Be Overlooking

She came into my office carrying the kind of exhaustion that a good night's sleep doesn't fix. 

Her son was eighteen years old and had never once completed a chore around the house, and as she told me this, she knew how it sounded. Every time he started a task, she found herself watching, waiting for the moment something was done wrong. Before she could talk herself out of it, she had stepped in, taken over, and was left feeling irritated at him and somehow more depleted than if she had simply done it herself from the beginning. The cycle was exhausting and she couldn't seem to stop it.

What struck me was that she didn't come in saying she thought she was a perfectionist. She came in saying she was overwhelmed and that she couldn't understand why she felt anxious all the time. In my experience, that's almost always how it starts.

Most People Don't Recognize the Signs of Perfectionism in Themselves

Here's something I see over and over in my practice: the people most affected by perfectionism are often the last ones to use that word for themselves. When most people hear "perfectionist," they picture someone who color codes their calendar and thrives on structure. What they don't picture is someone who is exhausted, resentful, and convinced that if they ever let go of the wheel, everything will fall apart.

But that second description? That's what perfectionism actually looks like in real life.

Some of the most common signs of perfectionism I see in high-achieving adults are an inability to delegate, redoing tasks that others have already completed, feeling personally responsible for everyone and everything around them, and a persistent low hum of anxiety that never fully goes away. They describe themselves as high-strung, or type A, or someone who just has high standards. 

The connection between perfectionism and anxiety is not a coincidence. When your sense of safety depends on everything going right, your body stays in a near constant state of alert. That is an exhausting way to live.

When life gets unpredictable, and it often does, perfectionism steps in as the coping strategy to help things feel stable. The problem is that this strategy is now keeping you from being able to relax and enjoy your life.

What Unaddressed Perfectionism Can Cost You

This goes beyond stress. Chronic anxiety, which perfectionism actively fuels, can affect your sleep, your closest relationships, and your physical health. Over time, unmanaged anxiety has been connected to increased inflammation and a higher risk for illness. The pressure to show up perfectly at work, at home, and even socially takes a real and measurable toll on your body. It is worth taking seriously.

Starting to Loosen the Grip

One of the first resources I recommend to clients who are beginning to recognize themselves in this is The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. It reframes what it means to live well, not as a relentless pursuit of getting everything right, but as a practice of showing up as a whole, imperfect, human person. For a lot of my clients, that reframe alone can be revolutionary.

In session, one of the first things I ask clients to do is write down everything they are managing. Every single thing, personal, professional, logistical, emotional. Most people have never seen it all in one place before. The list is always longer than they expected. We look at it together and ask a straightforward question: is this actually one person's job? The answer is almost always no.

From there, we begin practicing something that feels deceptively simple but is genuinely hard: letting things be done well enough. We slow down the internal motor. We get curious about what is driving the need to get everything just right. And we start building a relationship with imperfection that doesn't feel like failure.

Where To Go From Here

The signs of perfectionism are often hiding in plain sight, behind busyness, behind competence, and behind the story that you simply have high standards. If you recognized yourself anywhere in this post, that recognition matters. Perfectionism is not a character flaw. It was a nervous system strategy that made sense at the time. With the right support, it is something you can absolutely address to feel less anxious, less reactive, and more like yourself.

If the pressure to get everything right is quietly running your life, therapy can help you understand where it started and find a different way of moving through the world.

Reach out to schedule a consultation and take the first step toward a life that feels a little lighter.

Susan Martinez and her therapy dog O'Hara offer a warm, judgment free space in Hillsborough, New Jersey for adults who are ready to stop holding everything together perfectly and start actually feeling better.